Kibosh on the Kaboose - Chapters One and Two

By: Susanne

Chapter One – TGITGS!

“Many of you have marveled at the world of the Teen Girls; from their fabulous jet to their mysterious cave. Who amoung us hasn’t sat by an open window at night, mind wandering, and thoughts tumbling like… …thoughts tumbling. Their minds filled with questions like, ‘Where do they come from?’ ‘Where do they habitually eat lunch?’ ‘Who made those wicked purses?’ and most importantly, ‘Who IS Evan?’ Answers to all this and more, COMING UP!”
… Okay, that’s a wrap- BARRY? Where’s my foamy ice coffee beverage??? I want my foamy ice coffee beverage!!! BARRY!!!”

The Teen Girls reclined in their funky looking interview chairs and relaxed their frozen smiles. The excitement of being interviewed on live television about past adventures was slowly dieing off, and actually replaced with the feeling that pop culture television had done it to them once again. Susanne thought about this feeling in depth for a moment and decided it would be called Pomarioscourge. She felt a strange warmness in her back and arms area, and made a mental note of scowling at the next magazine rack she saw if not burning it down entirely. The feeling quickly faded away.

“Do we really have to do this?? I know the publicity would be useful right now, and we get to be on TV, but this lady is… freaking me out,” whispered Heather.

“I really don’t think they’d be happy if we walked out on this right now. I think we signed something,” Emily muttered.

“I think YOU signed something!” said Alison.

“Uh, ya… Okay listen. We’ll go through with this, but keep it low key. They’ll expect mystery, right? We’re superheroes-”

“AAAAAAAANND, we’re back! I’m sitting here with recent hot items, the Teen Girl Squad!!” The crowd cheered and hollered though they had no idea what was going on. “They’re right back here after saving their small little town from olda guys, reuniting the Fellowship of the Ring, and… like- a whole lotta otha stuff. So tell me girls, do you… like, have any… kooky stories for us? … And stuff?”

The crowd was tense. This host obviously couldn’t read the autocue, and had no idea who she was talking to. There was a slight danger that they might not be entertained.

“Cookie stories?? OH YES WE DO!” Alison jumped to the edge of her seat.

“Mmmm, jam jams…” smiled Susanne.

“Ya, but aside from Dooher’s, and our own baking, and cookies others bake for us, we’re really more muffin people.” Heather confessed to the audience.

“I like FARM CAKES!” shouted Emily.

“Oh, I tried those!!” Susanne shouted back. And so it continued for the rest of the show, the host occasionally tossed in a pun or two, and the girls made faces while the others tried to answer questions from the audience.

“Okay, this is going to sound like the obvious question,” spoke a boy who addressed the girls as if he were also plagued with very obvious questions, “but what are you guys going to do when there is no one left to save?”

“That’s not an obvious question,” said Alison sympathetically, “its just a stupid one. There’s always something to save!”

“Not always!”

“Uh huh!”

“Nuh uh!”

“UH HUH!!!”

“Well I think the only stupid thing about this is that you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Well I think you’re obviously a moron!” she screamed and dived at him off the stage. Emily, Heather and Susanne decided just to wrap it up quick, slightly relieved that this time she was fighting with existing words she knew the meaning of. There was a small smattering of applause as they walked off stage that just as easily could have been only for Alison who was obviously giving that guy a royal beating. An armrest flew from the audience and hit Emily in the butt.


Chapter Two - An Hour or So Later

The girls sat in their cave amusing themselves with various shiny things (like Alison’s left eye), jotting in journals, and daily maintenance to the Iron Butt. Before long Emily was the only one left completely enthralled with polishing and rewiring, but there was something not quite right. In the very back of this metal backside, some gears had loosened to the point of nearly falling off! Emily saw this almost instinctively and crawled inside to see what the damage was.
She poked here and there with her screwdriver, damped a few old wires with a sponge, but couldn’t quite get at the problem with all these things in her hands. She decided to put the sponge, and a few other wires she was messing with in her mouth before moving on. Finally the gears were in reach. With her handy-dandy utility fanny pack she began to mend them with a fork and some pieces of an old toaster. ‘Careful now, Emily… Careful…’

“HEY EMILY!!!!”
The lights flickered and the smell of burnt chocolate slowly filled the air.
“Emily? … Emmy? … Em?… Emiweeee… …eeee?” called Heather called softly into the depths of the Iron Butt.

“Yes, GOSH, I’m right here,” said Emily, stepping from inside and wiping her hands with the antibacterial edge of her towel.

“Oh, well you didn’t answer and I just automatically assumed you had died or something.”

“No, I’m good. And the Iron Butt is fixed now, I think. What’s with the lights?”

“Oh, Susanne is melting some chocolate for our next Fundue party.”

“What?? Oh holy crap, she’s got the power too high!!! The steam can’t be forcing a proper suction field around the base pan in all this excess matter! And the moon is only nearly a quarter full!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!” Heather dodged with her amazing gymnastic skill to a corner and whimpered fearfully until she realized the kitchen was in the opposite direction, and Emily had knocked Alison out of an open window in her haste.

“Oh, well, I might as well see what she did to this Rumpytron of hers.” Thought Heather, and plugged it into the wall. Unfourtunately, Heather was not properly trained in the art of Iron Butt Maintenance, and was seriously harmed in the attempt.
“BBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZAAP GLLLLAAAAAAAGGGGGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTT!!!!”

The lights flickered again and there were screams from the kitchen, “No Alison! Use a spatula to stir it! A spatula!”

“This IS a spatula!!”

“NO, IT IS NOT!”

Heather dropped the cord and concentrated on breathing deeply for a few minutes, since there was no one there to give her CPR. The smell of chocolate wafting from the kitchen quickly revived her and she stood up to check out the Butt once more.

It sat still in the middle of the room, emitting a faint hum. Heather fiddled with a few dials, and just for the heck of it, picked up a nearby accouletric guitar and plugged it in. It did not take many chords of Smoke on the Water for her to realize what it had become. The Iron Butt was now an all-powerful amp! Perhaps the greatest, most powerful amp in the world!! The rest of the girls entered the room and immediately knew what to do. Emily dived on her piano, Heather and Susanne fought over the drums until it was decided that the Cheerleader would be much happier singing and pretending to play guitar, and of course, Alison was stuck playing base. The girls shook their heads upside down and soaked the odd strand for that ultra creative Edith’s Head look. It was official. They had become the worlds loudest rock band.