Chapter 7

The TGS were in the familiar setting that is their cave. The Spades had went off on another tour but after they had left Susanne made a startling discovery that three pairs of her panties were missing. Evan was off doing something somewhere for an unknown amount of time so it was just the four girls again.

Ali was just about to start french braiding Heathers hair when she decided it was getting just a bit too baby-sitters-club for her liking and said that quality time with just the girls was over. So instead of painting each others nails the girls started planning their upcoming tour. The main decision was who would open for them? They had to be good, but not too good as to upstage the main group playing, such as that time when Toronto had that huge SARS concert and then ACDC played right before the Rolling Stones. Wow, I’m going to get a lot of hate mail for that one. Ooooh well, at least we will get some comments.

Anyway, the girls were deep into the planning of their tour and here is what they had so far:
-The theme colours would be purple and orange.
-There would be no less than 4 strobe lights going at any given time.
-Heather would be put on a limit of 3 guitars to smash per night.
-While playing in concert it would not actually be the girls playing, but robots dressed up as the girls (due to lack of funds-heather went into a rage and smashed 1485 guitars in one night-this was altered to be the dolls that were replicas of the girls that Esther made back in story 2).
-There would be muffins.

Heather was practising jumping off of the amps while Ali, Susanne and Emily practised their instruments. All of a sudden Emily’s eye started to twitch

"That’s funny" said Ali "I thought Emily’s eye only twitched when The Man of the East was near"

"I thought foreshadowing was supposed to be subtle" Susanne said

"Shut Up" said Emily

Then they all started to argue which made it really easy for The Man of the East to sneak up behind them all and throw a large net over them.

The Teen Girls were all blindfolded and put into straight jackets so that they couldn’t fight back. Just when they thought that all hope was up Evan just happened to be walking by

"Thank you, Lord Sandra!!!" the Teen Girls all cried out, because they knew that they were saved.

Instead Evan stopped for a moment, looked at the girls in their straight jackets and said "Well it’s about time" then just kept on walking.

Thankfully being famous musicians had inflated the girls egos so much that this comment just bounced right off. But they were still trapped by The Man of the East. All of the girls were then knocked over then head with a frozen pork roast and they all blacked out.

When they regained consciousness several hours later they found themselves surrounded by a lot of water. They were on something very cold and fairly solid . It was kind of like a raft because it was keeping them afloat on the water. It was about 10 wide and 15 and ½ feet across. A couple minutes after the Teen Girls were awake The Man of the East came swooping down out of the sky at them. She hovered above them for a while before telling them the horrific news

"You are in the middle of the Atlantic ocean on a pile of ice cream!! You will only have about 2 hours until the ice cream all melts and then you will drown in the water. There is no land for thousands of miles, you have no way of escaping, you will just have to wait to die!!!!!"

As if this waiting for death on a pile of iced cream scenario wasn’t bad enough the The Man of the East was not done

"and I have a little surprise for you"
with that she dropped Hilary Duff onto the pile of ice cream
THEY WERE TRAPPED ON A RAPIDLY SHRINKING PILE OF ICE CREAM WITH HILARY DUFF!!!!

If they ever survived this then it would take decades of therapy to get over it.
Well, as time passed they fell into a regular routine.

Emily paced around worrying about how soon the ice cream raft would melt
"now, if it starts to rain then the ice cream will be diluted and melt faster. Not good, and what if lighting strikes the ice cream!?!?! it will be gone instantly!! The sun isn’t helping matters though, the UV level must be over 7!! this is a disaster!! And what if we get caught in a current that is coming up from the tropics!!! it will melt about 3 times faster. GAHHHH!!"

Heather was trying to rhyme the word silver for their next single.
Ali had made a slingshot out of hair accessories and was now flinging pennies at Hilary.

Susanne was nibbling the ice cream when Emily wasn’t looking.
Over 1 hour passed and the ice cream shrank to half of it’s size. Susanne tried to push Hilary off, but Hilary would just give Susanne a big hug and smiled a lot.
The ice cream was getting very soft and it felt as though at any moment they could all fall through to the bottom of the ocean.

What were they going to do?!?!?!?

Chapter Six - Enter the Air Horn

TGS + Evan + JMATS marched purposefully through the cave in single file.
After a brief cat fight over who was driving, and then for who rode shot gun in which some members of the squad were duffed up rather savagely, and unnecessarily (some more than others, coughheathercough), they took off towards California where Jack Johnson, during the production of his eighty-fourth album had managed to get his head caught between the railings in a banister.
Susanne couched down in front of him and studied the situation very carefully.

“Thank goodness you guys came! I was beginning to think no one cared about Jacky old boy anymore!”
“Listen… Jack…Don’t you think it’s about time you just gave it up? I mean, you’ve made some money… and a lot of songs… That’s enough, right?”
“No! Come on!” he shouted, “I’ve got an idea for at least twenty more! They’re about this girl, right? And-”
“No, Jacky. Sshhhhhhhhh…” She patted his head and slowly, and he nodded as he dropped off to sleep. They decided it was for the best that they didn’t set him free, and locked the door behind them laughing insanely, because if the Spades have taught us anything, it is that long trips make people hysterical in a good way.

Back at the cave it was time to think seriously. The girls needed to put some solid work together if they were going to get a CD out for Thursday, which apparently as of last Monday will now be known as Banana Bread Day. It was hard though. Writing good songs meant putting things in perspective. It meant sitting down together and really thinking about what life meant to them. How did things affect them? What day of the week is it now?
But anyway, the girls knew the secret to good music was writing the lyrics last, and since they could make stuff up fairly randomly under pressure, all that was left was to write the lyrics.

“I think that porridge rhymes with orange. I mean… if you say it right. Porradnge..” Said Ali.
“But the theme is boy meets girl, but won’t tell her his name for some reason so they go get muffins and girl finally asks him a week later. Not teen girls attempt at rhyming colours with rarely used words!” Emily rolled her eyes.
“You know what colour I really hate? That one that’s not quite green, and not really grey, and it’s just so ugly! Unless it were on a dragon. Man, dragons can be any colour.” rationalized Susanne.
“Yeaaaaaaaa…" sighed Heather, "We should go to Dooher’s!”
“Yaaaaaaaaa!”

But luckily when they got back, their first CD, “Get a Curple or Your Purple Legs Will Hurple,” was recorded and ready to go ala those wonderful elves that are always ready to save your butt when you really don’t want to do stuff, complete with a cover picture of the girls sporting mysterious smiles that can only be achieved by secretly wearing a bathing suit instead of underwear. And while the girls had fun playing weekly gigs at the Aron, arguing cowbell versus air horn, and recruiting the recovering hip population of Campbellford as fans, their first single Sitting up Straight was ruthlessly climbing the charts.

I just might be earning a wide reputation
For finding myself in the same situation.
He couldn’t have told me, unless I forgot.
I don’t do it on purpose, but it happens a lot.

I see he knows mine, but I don’t know his too.
I’m sorry to butt in, but who the hell are you?
I hate dropping hints, and it’s sad, I should mention
How very rarely I’m paying attention.

While we smile and laugh, it is always the same.
We’re silently playing the Say Your Name Game.
And still it eludes me, through my mind I forage.
I’m quietly spazing and eating my porradnge.

Chapter 5- Unexpected Company

It was really hard to get a word in with the constant ranting that was going on, but finally a breath had to be taken. "Okay, okay we're sorry!" cried Susanne. "...you didn't really mean it!" sighed Pete. "Well, we really didn't say anything to be offended about..." mumbled Heather in trying to not offend Alison in her attempt to create a suspenseful ending to her chapter. "...It's just well, we thought at least Alison would turn to us for guidance when you took your break... maybe it was selfish to have expected a call, but...you know....it would have been a.... nice.... gesture...." said Roger. "But- you know....name....my...." Alison was star-struck. "Well, after saving Campbellford- headliner news, you know!" said Roger. "You don't suppose you'd want to open a show for us tonight?" asked Pete. "...maybe another time, I dunno- our schedule's pretty hectic..." Heather was trying to use her playing hard-to-get skills in an ineffective manner. "Right," said Pete "Off we go then Roger...See you!" With that they jumped onto their helicopter rose and sped off into the sunset. Heather panicked searching for an escape, "We weren't ready... we can do better.... I... they...look! It's the Spades!" was the only thing that she could think of to say. And sure enough, in strolled three familiar figures of The Spades. "SUSANNE!!!" they cried in unison. "Still feeding oranges?" James chuckled to himself as they all surrounded her full of questions. As Susanne wooed them with her charm, the girls put their heads together and came up with an endless number of ideas for songs. It was almost as if someone had before been jinxing their creative abilities- just almost, though. All of the sudden, an almost unaudible beeping sound distracted the girl's attention. "Where is it coming from?" Alison tried following the sound. When she came closer and closer to the guys, Susanne was blushing feverishly. She really couldn't ignore it, so Susanne pulled out her cellphone- the unmistakable chorus of The OC theme song echoing throughout the cave. "I just like the song..." she said as she quickly opened the phone, "Hello?... Huh?.... Wow... How did that?...Gosh...." she closed the phone, with a stunned expression on her face. "Guys- Ready the jet, we have a serious problem... I'll explain when we take flight!" She called as she ran toward the jet-way, the girls close to her heels. James, Winchester and Chachi all strugged and reluctantly followed.

Chapter 4- Bob Dylan, The Who and a Hard Day's Night

The girls quickly got onto their hover scooters, which had been a gift from Puff Daddy…or P.Diddy, or was it just Diddy? Who knows. Anyways the girls quickly hovered across the globe searching for Evan. After mistaking 10 people with hair like Evan’s and one very irritable Cousin It, TGS finally found Evan in his back room watching ghost busters one and two, drinking apple juice after apple juice straight from the jug, his hair a mess and dark circles under his eyes.
“Evan, what happened to you over the summer?” Heather asked sounding worried.
“My parents went away. They didn’t pay the electricity bill, the cable bill, the phone bill, thus I’ve had no contact with the outside world for over a week. All I’ve got left is this battery powered laptop…it’s my last hope” As the screen of the laptop switched off and no longer had any power, Evan let out devastating scream. “Why did you do this to me? Why? I need my Family Guy, my MSN, my Rush and my Team America! I can’t go on living this way! Why oh why did you do this to me” with that Evan dropped to floor and started kicking and screaming in to the carpet.
“We’ve got to get him out of here” suggested Susanne. So TGS, picked Evan up and dragged him to the rehearsal studio and quickly put on a mix CD full of Queen, Rush and the Who. Evan stopped screaming, and began crying tears of joy. Finally they had their Cow Beller.
“Okay ladies, this is what we need to do-“ started Evan.
“Shut up, crazy” Alison quickly snapped back.
“Ali, don’t say that. Evan just a had a severe traumatic mental breakdown. We have to be very gentle with him” explained Emily.
“No, I agree. Evan can’t come and tell us what to do…that’s not the way it works.” Nodded Heather.
“No…if Evan has a suggestion, then lets here it.” Stated Susanne.
The girls quickly began to argue back and forth. Heather flung guitars a peoples heads, Susanne tried to use a symbol as a Frisbee, Emily was smacking Ali over the head with a microphone and a spatuala, saying repeatedly “You-don’t-melt-chocolate-without-water!”
“GIRLS! GIRLS! Your acting like a bunch of lunatics” yelled Evan. With that he hit the cowbell as hard as he could. The girls stopped fighting.
“I think we should go on hiatus.” Said Emily.
“We haven’t even put out our first record yet!” argued Susanne.
“Yeah the record company is expecting it to be in stores by Thursday” agreed Ali.
“But we can’t work like this. We’re trying to rip eachothers heads off, we just need a mini vacation”

So Teen Girl Squad took their mini vacation, separately though. Emily visited Matt Teason from Relient K. She enjoyed their frequent picnics in the park and guitar tuning sessions. She also enjoyed going on tour with them through out the Atlantic Seaboard.

Susanne headed off to London, England. Where she visited the various places of that classic Beatles film ‘A Hard Day’s Night’. While in the train, that the Beatles were sitting on within the first half hour of the movie, she met Ringo Starr. They discussed random issues such as peanut butter, drums and old sci-fi movies. Finally they came down to business.
“So do you really think you and I could make a sci-fi movie together?” she aksed.
“Oh most definetly. I think it would be bloody good too. With all the sci-fi stuff and stuff. It could star a little alien in the form of an M&M, named Zonger, and he would save the world with his sweetness” began Ringo.
“Hmmm…maybe we could try something a little different than that. I mean it sounds great, but maybe we should take a different approach.” Insisted Susanne.
Thus Susanne and Ringo began writing their new yet classic sci-fi movie.

Meanwhile Alison went to New York City, in hopes of finding some starving bassist who she could give lessons to, so she could make some extra cash while on vacation. While she was walking quickly down one street, she accidentally bumped into Bob Dylan.
“Oh my god. I am so sorry, Mr. Bob Dylan…sir”
“I ain’t lookin’ to block you up”
“Um thank you. Actually I kind of wanted to talk to you. You see I’m having problems with this band that I am in, See we’ve just gone on hiatus and we haven’t even put out a record yet. What should I do?”
“I ain't lookin' to fight with you, frighten you or tighten you, drag you down or drain you down, chain you down or bring you down.”
“Well thank you. I’ll try to use that advice.”
“Well, the lone ranger and tonto, they are ridin’ down the line. Fixin’ ev’rybody’s troubles, ev’rybody’s but mine. Somebody musta tol’ ‘em that I was doin’ fine.”
“Hey man if you don’t want to give me advice that’s fine. I’ll just go ask someone else. Maybe Lance Bass from N’Sync is free to give advice…”
“You need the time and stay behind and since my feet are now fast and point away from the past, I’ll bid farewell and be down the line.” With that Bob Dylan was off and began walking down the street humming to himself.
“Well thanks for the advice….I think?”

Heather had an interesting mini break as well. Although she spent most of her time searching for the first Jimmy Eat World CD, but eventually she realized that she was famous and called up Jimmy Eat World instead. They decided to send her an entire CD collection, all autographed, three guitars, and three more guitars just for Heather to smash. They also gave her a bass, a drum kit, and keyboards, which gave her the perfect chance to test her throwing abilities. Heather threw all three instruments off of the ninth story hotel where she was staying, on the ninth floor. Luckily only 7 spiders, one snake and 100000 ants were harmed. None died though. The snake didn’t look like it was going to make it, but after a very insane veterinarian gave it mouth to mouth, the snake was able to pull through.

Eventually girls let out their anxieties, worries and thoughts and made their way back to the rehearsal stage where Evan was impatiently tapping his foot.
“You are so lucky that I found something to do while you were away” he said sounding a little agitated. He pulled out a notebook from his back pack full of numbers. “That’s right. I was able to solve your silly math problem Emily. Muhaha”
“That’s great Evan. But you do realize that we’ve been gone for two months. So it actually took you two months to solve that problem.”
“Awww man!” sighed Evan.
“Oh well…lets get playing!” shouted Heather enthusiastically.
As they began to play their ever so popular song, the doors of the stage flew open. Four shadowy figures appeared at the door. They slowly began to walk towards TGS+Evan. Just then a song began to play in the back ground…
“What the….” Started Susanne.
“Don’t you mean…who the?” asked a mysterious man.
“It’s the Who!” yelled Evan.
“The Who?” asked Alison.
“Yes, the Who.” Said Emily.
“Really, the Who?” asked Heather.
“Hoo, Hoo” hooted an owl outside one of the windows.
“Yes, we are the Who. Well I’m Pete Townsend.”
“And we’ve got a bone to pick with you” said Roger Daultry sounding offended beyond belief.
“What have we done this time?” asked Alison sounding slightly bored, seeing as every time they turned a corner, TGS was bound to offend someone.
“Well you see….”

And The Who began telling their radical story of how being offended really hurt their feelings, and they spent nights crying over it and for some reason Pinball Wizard just wasn’t taking their pain away. They most importantly discussed why they were offended. But like most good stories, I shall use a device called a cliff hanger in order to leave you in suspense. Well then until next time, this is TEEN GIRL SQUAD saying:
“If you spray stains on your t-shirt with vinegar, they are sure to come out. Plus if you put enough vinegar on the t-shirt, you could probably dip your French fries in the t-shirt too. Thus you are killing two birds with one stone but I wouldn’t kill a bird, unless it was trying to eat me, even then I would very hesitant. That is such a violent saying as well. Who thought of that anyways? The bird killing man? Ugh…that’s just so horrible….I don’t think that it’s videogames that are making children more violent, I think its these classic sayings. Yeesh….” (I think it is in your best interest to walk away from the computer screen now)