Chapter 14.5 ~ YAWN

Alison woke up, sweating from terror. "Oh my god! Steven Segal..ugh!" Luckily the entire lalst chapter was a dream and Alison was forced to experience it. Although she thoroughly enjoyed the parts with Wes Anderson, Bill Murry and Owen Wilson, any dream with Steven Segal is not a good dream at all, in fact it is much more of a nightmare.

Alison called Susanne in order to get more information. "Hey Susanne, I had this crazy dream and I need you to dream diary me." And thus Alison explained her entire dream to Susanne and analyzed it and determined that Alisn was in fact crazy and needed quick pshyciactric help. Emily had been able to obtain her bachelor's degree in psychology and quickly helped Alison out of this pickle. After that was finished everything went back to normal. Sure there was still a couple of antagonists running around, a Heather to tame and a movie to make but other than that everything was back to normal.

(In fact it would be in your best interest to ignore the entire last chapter. Thank you. Good day.)

Chapter 14: Who Took My Cake?

Hilary Duff always considered herself to look better as a brunette. This thought often crossed her mind, but as all blondes do, put the thought aside and went on thinking about shoes and pigeons. While sharing a small low budget hotel room with the man of the east, Hilary finally decided that it was time to go brown. She thought that this would be a most clever disguise to destroy TGS with although like everything else Hilary Duff does, it did not go exactly as planned. While mixing the hair dye with the peroxide, Hilary accidentally threw in a bottle of silver nail polish instead of the hair dye. The results were not spectacular. Hilary Duff now had silver, grey hair, which made her look like she was about sixty years old. The fact that she hadn’t gotten any sleep in three days did not help either, for you see the man of the east snored so loudly that even the drug deal going on in the room next to them couldn’t even concentrate.
Meanwhile in a basement far away in Hollywood, TGS were working with their amazing actors to make movie magic happen. Although to their surprise, making movies wasn’t as magical as they thought it would be. Finally they finished filming their first scene, although it had not gone quite as planned. The spaceship that was supposed to be the TGS jet, fell apart and Heather ripped all of the tin foil off accidentally during one of her mood swings. Their lead actor Antonio Banderas was off greasing his hair and working out. It seemed that only TGS really cared about actually making this movie properly and on schedule. George Lucas intended on directing the film, but after realizing that he wasn’t cool, broke down in tears and ran away. Instead, Susanne, Ringo and Alison teamed up to entice Wes Anderson to drop his latest movie with Owen Wilson and come and direct the TGS movie. Luckily Wes Anderson can never do a movie without Bill Murray and Owen Wilson, so they came and had small parts in the movie as well. The movie was all coming together and it was going great. It was a movie with well known actors yet maintained it’s independent wittily funny stature. The man of the east could not stand this as she sat listening to Hilary Duff scream and cry over her hair.
“They mustn’t succeed. I will not allow it” stated the Man of the East.
“I…GAH….I DON’T *ALJSYEUSHFSALKF* BELIEVE IT!” screamed Hilary Duff.
“Shut up! We’re trying to do a crack deal over here” yelled the irritated drug dealers from the next room.
“Right… we’ve got to do something about this.” Said the Man of the East.
“Hey Man of the Southern West…there’s already an antagonist. What’s your problem?” asked Hilary
“Wha…what did you just call me? Anyways…obviously the antagonist isn’t doing his job, if he hasn’t even been mentioned in this chapter yet. Hmm…did you ever think of that one, Duffman?”

The Man of the East had a point. The antagonist hadn’t been mentioned yet. That could’ve been because there wasn’t only one antagonist but three! It was the most terrible thing that happened since the last story! While filming one of the action scenes of the movie, Emily stopped to take a break. She went outside to do a bit of yoga when she saw a tall, large figure coming toward her. It couldn’t be the BFR he was inside filming.
“What is that figure over yonder?” Emily thought to herself.
As it came closer, Emily realized that it was Steven Segal. Emily’s first instinct was to run away. So that was exactly what she did. She ran inside and did up the 12 locks on the door. She then put a bank vault door in front of that door and a brick wall in front of that one. She then ran to TGS, out of breath and unstretched.
“Uh…phew…(inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale)…Ste…Stev…Steve…Steven Se…Segal is coming towards the building. I…uh…phew…think he wants a part in the movie”
Panic. Pandemonium. Mayhem. Chaos. It all happened in this area. TGS had all fit underneath the bed and the BFR and all his tentacles hid in the fake space ship. Ringo, Owen, Bill and Wes all were able to fit underneath a lawn mower and a lampshade.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

“Don’t let him in…”whispered Heather in a very mysterious and terrifying manner.
A loud screech was heard from outside the doors. Everyone covered their ears in pain. Ringo pulled the lampshade further onto his head.
The bangs continued long into the night. Everyone stayed very still, not daring to move or even breath.
Steven Segal was able to break down the first door after the seventh hour of banging.
“The breach has been broken, the breach has been broken” cried Alison. “Prepare the armies for battle!” Everyone stared at each other, then stared at Alison and shrugged. Sat down, made chocolate cake and began to eat it. "C'mon guys the breach is broken…ya know…whatever” she sat down as well and grabbed a piece of chocolate cake.
Susanne stood up. Magically her cape appeared and her she was ready to go. No Steven Segal would appear in this film and she was prepared to fight to the death to stop him. And thus the third antagonist was introduced. Whether he would play a big part in this story or not, we would soon find out. Was it possible for TGS to fight three completely different antagonists? Stay tuned next week and be prepared to fight for your cake.

Chapter 13-How many Russians are too many?

By Emily

Well, it took a while, but the Teen Girl Squad finally had an antagonist, who would create big problems for them resulting in an actual plot. However the Teen Girls were unaware of this fact. They were in the cave interviewing potential Russian mafia vampire octopuses. Thankfully they had been smart enough to use the room with the trap door in the floor. The chute beneath led to a bear cave that was on the other side of the mountain and this is where the last actor went. He was a non-smoking Russian and had eight arms, however he had had to get one amputated, and who wants a seven armed Russian? The girls let the next person auditioning enter the room.
In came the Big Furry Russian!! That was interesting, but would he do for the part? Well, he was Russian and tall. Plus he was purple from permanent frost bite he had obtained from being in Northern Russia all of the time. The teen girls decided that he would be the perfect person for the part. They would just have to attach 6 arms to him. No problem.
They were in the middle of their celebration drink, which was chocolate milk in fancy glasses, when the teen girl squad and the BFR- know from now on as ‘the cast’ in movie lingo-were disturbed by a large crashing sound coming from another room. The cast approached the room with caution and peered in. Inside was what can only be described as a Russian mafia vampire octopus who had gotten into an incident with a hot glue gun. He was having a difficult time getting through the room because he seemed to have little control over his tentacles and they kept on sucking onto things. (Start strong Russian accent) "Uuh, oh dearrr..stupid lamp, oh my..ooooh my, this ees no good, must.."(end strong Russian accent) then he noticed that the cast was watching him. He stopped and looked flustered for a bit, then it appeared that he made up his mind to cross the room to them. He tried, he really did, however his tentacles just kept on attaching to things and the hot glue on him was also attaching to stuff. Finally he gave up his attempt to move and just stood there. The Teen Girls and the BFR were also just standing there looking at him.
The Russian mafia vampire octopus thing noticed the BFR
(Start accent)"Who eees hihm?"(end accent) he asked
Emily, expert Russian communicator, stepped forward "This is the person we selected to play the part of the Russian mafia vampire octopus. I assume that you are here to try out for the part? Yes, well I’m sorry but you are too late."
The man looked very shocked and muttered to himself for a bit. He had a bit of a stutter. Then he pulled out a cell phone and, all the while giving shifty glances at the Teen Girls and the BFR in the doorway, made a call. Frankly the TGS just didn’t know what to do about this sort of behaviour, so they just tried to look like they were not trying to eavesdrop on the call, which they were.
Now the Russian was speaking in an almost frantic voice into the phone (Start accent)"But they are already c-c-choosink someone!!....big and furry and Russian....ya...I don’t know...V-VAT?!? ..."(end accent) he looked up at the girls and asked if there was anyway they could re-consider their decision, they said no, and then after further encouragement from the person on the other end of the phone he asked who the producer of the film was and would it help if he slept with them. Susanne was the producer and no it would not help at all.
In the end they got him to leave however as they walked back into the cave the girls all thought that the voice that they heard faintly shrieking over the other end of that cell phone sounding frighteningly familiar. Wooooooo

Chapters 11 and 12, by Susanne

Chapter 11 – Creating a Monster

The faces of the girls showed a mix extreme panic with confusion as to how they could be feeling turbulence in the jet from Susanne’s bedroom on the ground. Chunks of plaster flew in every direction. The girls huddled closer together as the wailing NEEEEEEEERRROOOOOO of a falling, pimped-out jet filled their ears.
“Crap! No, I just got Bruce to finish the dry wall!!”
“Hey! You know the rules of the huddle circle, Susanne. Faces down!”

Regardless of how they felt the turbulence before, without question they were feeling it now as the jet came smashing through the ceiling, stopping just in time to completely destroy everything in Susanne’s sister’s room. Ringo Starr jumped from the pilot’s seat,
“Okay, that’s all well and done. Where’s the five bucks you owe me?”
Susanne searched through a few piles on her desk and managed to find a bunch of change.
“Excellent job, man. Tell me you set up the camera this time.”
“Don’t worry, that shot is going to look great on the big screen.”
“Sweet. What about that one we set to catch the look on Faye’s face?”
“I thought that’s the camera you were talking about before! But they’re both set anyway. Tell your dad he can set that birdhouse back on the roof again… Um, once you fix the roof.”
“Ya, okay.”

The rest of the squad had quickly tired of their casual banter. Heather stepped forward.
“Um… Susanne? Are you just working around to telling us something…?”
“No…. … …Oh, wait yes! This is just a little stunt we set up for the end of the sci-fi movie I’m working on, starring the TGS. You know, that whole plane goes down in a blaze of glory kind of ending. Now we just have to write the rest of it and we’re golden. …And, I’ll do that tomorrow.”
Ringo stepped in, “Actually, Heather, it’s great that you brought it up-”
“I didn’t bring it up! You crashed a plane through the-”
“-because I have the scripts for you right now.”
“I thought you hadn’t written it yet,” said Ali.
“No, we have the lines done. Lines and story are two different things, trust me, it’s pretty complex. This is how the movie business works,” he insisted.
One was tempted to question this, but then again, he insisted.

Shooting for the behind the scenes special features began earlyish the next morning. After a particularly inspiring cup of hazelnut coffee, Susanne spat out an entire plot line and they were ready to begin searching through the mountain hide-out for props and costumes. First of all, they were lucky to have found a mysterious room full of incandescent green paint, googley eyes, and antennas, but when it came down to whether or not they possessed a giant purple octopus created from the bewitched remains of a Russian mafia turned to vampires, they really had to sit back and give the matter some serious thought. Eventually it was decided that they might actually have to hire some other actors.
An ad went up that day over the internet for an actor to star opposite the TGS in their production, and though responses were few (but Lando was all over it) more people had seen the add then they would had preferred…. WooOOOOoooOOooo….

Chapter 12 – Using Our Nightmares to Become Rich and Famous

Deep in the forgotten undersea mines of the South Atlantic Ocean, an eager light glinted in the eyes of the Man of the East as she read and reread the screen in front of her.


Wanted: One actor to play opposite Teen Girl Squad in new, sure to be classic, Mobula. Tall, purple, eight-armed, Russian, non-smoker preferred. Must enjoy purple, eight arms, vampires, and long walks on the beach. Contact the girls at princessilikeboysshortylil-devilXXXtoogood4U_2005@hotmail.com for details. SUSANNE ROCKS SUSANNE ROCKS SUSANNE RO

The Man of the East thought for a moment, “It’s almost as if they’ve walked into a trap, without me having to set a trap at all… Which would make it…. Some kind of… Device… For my… Using?” She shook her head and started over. “I have to put someone else in charge of the evil plotting. The last thing I need is another ice cream fiasco. Why did I have to go Hagen-Das? Of all the-”

The Man of the East’s ears perked up at the sound of the front door slamming. An exhausted, aggravated, and soaked to the gills Hilary Duff stomped into the room.
“Why did you just leave me out there on the bottom of the ocean?? Do you know how long I’ve been walking around out there trying to find this underwater mine? You’re lucky I can store so much air in my head otherwise I would be dead by now! You know?? Do you knoooow how long I’ve been walking??? Do you??”
“Relax Duffman. You’re just in time. Take a seat. And stop dripping on the rug.”
Hilary also glanced at the screen, and after they finished sounding out all the big words together it was time to make some jot notes in the big book of evil deeds. For the sake of obliterating a large block of useless conversation, allow me to tell you that it was eventually decided that together, The Man of the East and Duffman would respond to the internet ad, and send the girls a REAL Russian mafia vampire octopus in disguise as a fake one. It was also decided that for interest’s sake, this would be the main source of conflict and concern for much of the story.