Kibosh on the Kaboose - Chapters One and Two

By: Susanne

Chapter One – TGITGS!

“Many of you have marveled at the world of the Teen Girls; from their fabulous jet to their mysterious cave. Who amoung us hasn’t sat by an open window at night, mind wandering, and thoughts tumbling like… …thoughts tumbling. Their minds filled with questions like, ‘Where do they come from?’ ‘Where do they habitually eat lunch?’ ‘Who made those wicked purses?’ and most importantly, ‘Who IS Evan?’ Answers to all this and more, COMING UP!”
… Okay, that’s a wrap- BARRY? Where’s my foamy ice coffee beverage??? I want my foamy ice coffee beverage!!! BARRY!!!”

The Teen Girls reclined in their funky looking interview chairs and relaxed their frozen smiles. The excitement of being interviewed on live television about past adventures was slowly dieing off, and actually replaced with the feeling that pop culture television had done it to them once again. Susanne thought about this feeling in depth for a moment and decided it would be called Pomarioscourge. She felt a strange warmness in her back and arms area, and made a mental note of scowling at the next magazine rack she saw if not burning it down entirely. The feeling quickly faded away.

“Do we really have to do this?? I know the publicity would be useful right now, and we get to be on TV, but this lady is… freaking me out,” whispered Heather.

“I really don’t think they’d be happy if we walked out on this right now. I think we signed something,” Emily muttered.

“I think YOU signed something!” said Alison.

“Uh, ya… Okay listen. We’ll go through with this, but keep it low key. They’ll expect mystery, right? We’re superheroes-”

“AAAAAAAANND, we’re back! I’m sitting here with recent hot items, the Teen Girl Squad!!” The crowd cheered and hollered though they had no idea what was going on. “They’re right back here after saving their small little town from olda guys, reuniting the Fellowship of the Ring, and… like- a whole lotta otha stuff. So tell me girls, do you… like, have any… kooky stories for us? … And stuff?”

The crowd was tense. This host obviously couldn’t read the autocue, and had no idea who she was talking to. There was a slight danger that they might not be entertained.

“Cookie stories?? OH YES WE DO!” Alison jumped to the edge of her seat.

“Mmmm, jam jams…” smiled Susanne.

“Ya, but aside from Dooher’s, and our own baking, and cookies others bake for us, we’re really more muffin people.” Heather confessed to the audience.

“I like FARM CAKES!” shouted Emily.

“Oh, I tried those!!” Susanne shouted back. And so it continued for the rest of the show, the host occasionally tossed in a pun or two, and the girls made faces while the others tried to answer questions from the audience.

“Okay, this is going to sound like the obvious question,” spoke a boy who addressed the girls as if he were also plagued with very obvious questions, “but what are you guys going to do when there is no one left to save?”

“That’s not an obvious question,” said Alison sympathetically, “its just a stupid one. There’s always something to save!”

“Not always!”

“Uh huh!”

“Nuh uh!”

“UH HUH!!!”

“Well I think the only stupid thing about this is that you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Well I think you’re obviously a moron!” she screamed and dived at him off the stage. Emily, Heather and Susanne decided just to wrap it up quick, slightly relieved that this time she was fighting with existing words she knew the meaning of. There was a small smattering of applause as they walked off stage that just as easily could have been only for Alison who was obviously giving that guy a royal beating. An armrest flew from the audience and hit Emily in the butt.


Chapter Two - An Hour or So Later

The girls sat in their cave amusing themselves with various shiny things (like Alison’s left eye), jotting in journals, and daily maintenance to the Iron Butt. Before long Emily was the only one left completely enthralled with polishing and rewiring, but there was something not quite right. In the very back of this metal backside, some gears had loosened to the point of nearly falling off! Emily saw this almost instinctively and crawled inside to see what the damage was.
She poked here and there with her screwdriver, damped a few old wires with a sponge, but couldn’t quite get at the problem with all these things in her hands. She decided to put the sponge, and a few other wires she was messing with in her mouth before moving on. Finally the gears were in reach. With her handy-dandy utility fanny pack she began to mend them with a fork and some pieces of an old toaster. ‘Careful now, Emily… Careful…’

“HEY EMILY!!!!”
The lights flickered and the smell of burnt chocolate slowly filled the air.
“Emily? … Emmy? … Em?… Emiweeee… …eeee?” called Heather called softly into the depths of the Iron Butt.

“Yes, GOSH, I’m right here,” said Emily, stepping from inside and wiping her hands with the antibacterial edge of her towel.

“Oh, well you didn’t answer and I just automatically assumed you had died or something.”

“No, I’m good. And the Iron Butt is fixed now, I think. What’s with the lights?”

“Oh, Susanne is melting some chocolate for our next Fundue party.”

“What?? Oh holy crap, she’s got the power too high!!! The steam can’t be forcing a proper suction field around the base pan in all this excess matter! And the moon is only nearly a quarter full!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!” Heather dodged with her amazing gymnastic skill to a corner and whimpered fearfully until she realized the kitchen was in the opposite direction, and Emily had knocked Alison out of an open window in her haste.

“Oh, well, I might as well see what she did to this Rumpytron of hers.” Thought Heather, and plugged it into the wall. Unfourtunately, Heather was not properly trained in the art of Iron Butt Maintenance, and was seriously harmed in the attempt.
“BBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZAAP GLLLLAAAAAAAGGGGGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTT!!!!”

The lights flickered again and there were screams from the kitchen, “No Alison! Use a spatula to stir it! A spatula!”

“This IS a spatula!!”

“NO, IT IS NOT!”

Heather dropped the cord and concentrated on breathing deeply for a few minutes, since there was no one there to give her CPR. The smell of chocolate wafting from the kitchen quickly revived her and she stood up to check out the Butt once more.

It sat still in the middle of the room, emitting a faint hum. Heather fiddled with a few dials, and just for the heck of it, picked up a nearby accouletric guitar and plugged it in. It did not take many chords of Smoke on the Water for her to realize what it had become. The Iron Butt was now an all-powerful amp! Perhaps the greatest, most powerful amp in the world!! The rest of the girls entered the room and immediately knew what to do. Emily dived on her piano, Heather and Susanne fought over the drums until it was decided that the Cheerleader would be much happier singing and pretending to play guitar, and of course, Alison was stuck playing base. The girls shook their heads upside down and soaked the odd strand for that ultra creative Edith’s Head look. It was official. They had become the worlds loudest rock band.

The Fianl Chapter

“Gah, Emily, here!” Alison quickly tossed Emily a toss of what she thought was lib balm.
“A glue stick? What am I supposed to do, glue his lips together? The chappiness will still show!”
“Right…here then!” Alison reached into her other pocket a pulled out a tube of Dr. Pepper lipbalm
“I knew you were addicted to Dr. Pepper! We are having an intervention as soon as we are done here!” Emily yelled quickly. She then used her butt to bounce off the ground and lip balm the old guy before kicking him down to the ground.

Alison continued gazing across the battlefield. Strew across the battlefield were calculators, lighters, sunglasses, purses and sweat bands. Alison looked down and began devising a plan. “Hmmmm…using all sources of evil, no that wouldn’t work…elephants? Hmm possible but very difficult, aha!”

Alison quickly began working on her master plan. Meanwhile Heather was outrunning a brigade of slow driving Oldsmobiles. “Hurry up, Alison!” panted Heather.
Susanne was trying to distract the old people by looking off somewhere, causing the others to casually look as well. Luckily it worked, but there was not enough time distract another set of old people. One caught Susanne by surprise, knocked her to the ground and then sat on her.

Emily was still trying to unchap more old people’s lip. The lip balm was beginning to run low, and with one old person to do, Emily was out of lip balm. Bam! Heather got knocked over by the rebellious olds person, who chose to drive at 20Km/h instead of 5km/h. Heather rolled out from under the car but was pinned to the ground by a oldy who unfortunately had very bad smelling breath.

It was up to Alison. With group after group falling the old people seemed to be unbeatable. Alison had to create the most outrages, spectacular, unbelievable plan within well, 2 minutes. (Difficult eh?) Unfortunately Alison didn’t wear a watch, so while devising the plan she would also have to count 1-mississppi…2-mississippi, 3-mississippi..etc. This would make it even more difficult!

All of the groups had fallen. They had failed. Now it was up to Alison to end this war. And perhaps to all wars that would ever befall upon Teen Girl Squad.

This is the end, Beautiful friend
This is the end, My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end

The End by the Doors popped into Alison’s head and she began to execute her plans. She first pulled out two television sets from her purse.Which conviently held everything perfect. She also pulled a fudgecicle to suck on while executing the plan. She pulled out a DVD of Family Guy and a DVD of the O.C. Family Guy was to annoy the old people and the O.C. was to annoy everyone else. (What a mean girl, Alison is) Alison then went around and gave each of the old people gravol. This would make the oldies, sleep like babies. Alison then burnt down all of the retirement homes and senior citizens centres. She then bargained with every store owner to take away their senior citizens discounts. Alison then helped rescue all of Teen Girl Squad. They prepared their most difficult task of all. The built a raft and a barn on the raft. Then Teen Girl Squad took all of the senior citizens and put them in the barn. They also stuck all of their hands in warm water, just for everyone else’s amusement. As dawn broke out, the senior citizens began to wake, wet and confused they began to yell and complain about the youngin’s and their dam music. The also began discussing how kids wear to baggy of pants and too tight of shirts. Alison pushed the raft into the water.
“There. Now another town can take of those suckas. Whoops! I think I picked up a bit of gangsta!" Alison stated.
”It wasn’t the best plan we’ve ever had though” said Susanne.
“Yeah, it really actually sucked. Did you put any creativity into it at all?” asked Heather.
“Well…yeah, kinda.” Alison looked around at the glares of TGS. “Fine. No, I didn’t. Happy now?”
“Quite. That was the best uncreative plan you’ve ever come up with Alison. Congratulations” cheered Emily.

So although the final chapter, had a terrible plan and a serious lack of good grammar and plot, it was over. Almost. One old man jumped of the raft. TGS used a plan that involved corn which made the elder’s pants fall down. I would try to tell you what that plan was actually like, but I had stopped listening when the rest of TGS talked about that plan. Okay, ehem….I’ll get back to the story now.

TGS quickly got to work sorting the youths into their separate, yet equally important groups, and sent them on their way. They de-seniortized the town, and assured to 20-59 year olds were warned about what would happen if they decided to try to take over the town in 1-40 years. A cree was written in order to ensure that this would never happen again and Alison finally got ‘The End’ by the Doors out of her head. It was quite and eventful week. But what would await TGS on their next adventure? Giants, elves, rockstars, sesame street vs the muppets (who would win?), interventions, villains, princesses seemed to all be possibilities. In fact the possibilities were endless, thus TGS began walking down the street meanwhile perfecting their Monkees walk. Or at least until the next time….


ROLL CREDITS WITH THEME MUSIC…

This has been an Alison Schmidt Production. She in in no way affiliated with the TGS Corporation.

TGS TCBs!! - People Pushing, People Shoving, and the Girls are Trying to Look Pretty

By: Susanne W.

A chilly wind swept across the field, which delayed movement for an embarrassed moment as everyone paused to hold down their skirts and various hairpieces. There was a lot of thinking done in the last little while about the lack of powers on the girl’s side of things. There was really no way of acquiring powers within a day or so (that didn’t involve witchcraft of some kind) so there was only one real thing to be done about the lack of extraordinary abilities: bluff like crazy, which they would. And sometimes when you have the experience of at least one prior adventure, the strength of your best gal pals, and the support of some typical, but fiercely devoted small town kids behind you, it’s only a matter of pulling together and TCB. That’s right, taking care o’ business. And you know what that means, really cool shades.
It took a minute for the actual pulling together bit though, because as soon as a few kids heard the words “taking care of business” they immediately felt the urge to play that wicked guitar bit from the chorus on air guitar. Badaaaow dadow dow dow, daneeow neeeow neeeoowww, neeeeoooooww…

The wind backed off, and both sides advanced once again. This is what the field looked like:

The old dudes were advancing from the east with the groggy stoners not far behind, more likely out of confusion than for the element of surprise. Behind the teen girls, the kids spread themselves out according to the usual routine of their most similar experience to this (dodge ball), and the wiggers were sooooo west side. That’s when all hell broke loose.

Maybe they had just zoned out for a moment, but one minute they were slowly meeting in the middle of the field, and the next there were fists flying, people screaming, hollering, and complaining. It was madness.
The girls decided to split up around the field and cover what they could. Heather veered off to the right and bowled through a pile of old ladies pinching the cheeks of the preps. One girl was knocked to the ground and hit her head very hard. For a moment she could have sworn she saw a giant ball of yarn sitting on the edge of the field, but after closing her eyes and shaking her head around she saw the squad’s jet there in its place. ‘Eyes, like, totally playing tricks on me,’ she thought briefly and scrambled to rejoin her clique. They scattered, scowling (both grannies and preps), and Heather ran off again to see what else she could do. Emily was not far behind. She was high kicking and running as fast as the Iron Butt would allow her. Progress was minimal at this point but all she could think was, “Man, this butt is really doing its job.”

Susanne had what she thought was her finest Bruce Lee impression yet in full form, and she landed a drop kick to an old man’s chest that sent him flying into a bunch of other old men, which sent them tumbling like a wave of helpless dominos.
“Sweet!” she whispered to herself, and began a quick victory dance that ended badly as she was knocked down from behind by this random old lady who then tried to stomp on her stomach very badly. This angered Susanne very much because it’s exceptionally hard to stand up in a skirt with people crowded so tightly around you. For a moment she passively pushed the foot away, more concerned with the strange hot sensation growing in her arms, back and forehead. What was that odd, yet curiously familiar feeling? Her pupils suddenly grew very large as the answer dawned on her once before all rational thought was lost to a craving for utter mayhem. It was, THE GREMLIN! She leapt to her feet with a savage scream, sent the old bat flying and was soon lost in the crowd. Emily caught sight of this from about twenty feet away and sighed as she had a faint idea of what it was going to be like to put that to bed tonight. Oh well.

Alison realized it was time for a new angle. Her beloved freaks and geeks were lost to each other on the field, with the freaks leaning coolly against the blue jet, and the geeks rolling dice frantically to see who would do what next. She paused for a moment of silent reflection and emotionlessly surveyed the battle as she frowned very hard to help her think. It wasn’t until she caught sight of Emily, being approached by a geezer with the most chapped lips of all time, fall to the ground with a shudder of disgust that she finally felt some gears turning. Yes. That was a plan all right, and it would work too…